oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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