Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
