Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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