I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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