my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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