there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
