WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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