I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize