Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
