bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
