What did we do last night that was yellow?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize