somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
