Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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