if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
