living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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