I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
