My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
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