Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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