Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
