It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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