2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i am craving dick and cupcakes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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