I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize