i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
