you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
