What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
