It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
