God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
