On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
