I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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