Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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