Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
