He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
