If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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