I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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