if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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