The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
