I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
