i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
