You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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