I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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