That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
