oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
