If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
