Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My vagina just clenched in fear
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
