Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
