i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
