About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We had sex on a dog bed..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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