Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
