no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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