you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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