So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
