his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
