first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
