Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
