I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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