Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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