In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize