It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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