After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
