I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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