cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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