fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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