Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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