and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
