I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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