Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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