Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize